http://thenews.jang.com.pk/print1.asp?id=173261
| Brave new world By Masood Hasan |
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| Sunday, April 19, 2009 |
| By 2112 all Pakistani males over the age of 15 were without right hands, these having been chopped off by well-intentioned holy men of the Taliban Brigade (TB) which was by then the undisputed power in Pakistan. Because piety was central to its code of thinking – though some wags questioned whether harebrained ideas could be even remotely labelled 'thinking' – the chopping was to cleanse society. The Brigade's motto, 'Flog Flog-Chop Chop' was wildly popular though the men could no longer clap to show their support. One hand clapping was still a thing of the future in 2112. There were other changes. All vehicles had been confiscated and taken off the roads. Instead, other than the top leaders of TB who travelled in convoys of 4x4 'Dallaas' everyone else had to make do with camels or simply foot it. This was not too difficult because the visible part of the country only comprised of one handed male adults and children. The last sighting of a woman had been in the autumn of 2111 but it was later discovered that this was not so. Some experts were of the opinion that perhaps the Yeti had made an unscheduled trip to Pakistan and was snapped by a fidgety cameraman. Women had been banned from all public places and were confined to the four walls of their homes. However if they had more than four walls, the TB had no problem with that at all as long as they remained put. 'Out of sight, out of mind' was the cornerstone of TB's thinking on this subject. With women no longer part of the equation, the sin graph took a nosedive and was replaced with other pleasures which cannot be listed here since this is a family newspaper. All educational institutions had been torched or demolished and in some cases where they were too large to be brought down, like the big universities and colleges, had been converted into wheat godowns. However since Pakistan could no longer grow wheat – one armed wheat planting still a science Pakistani men had not mastered, they were used to hold lectures on beard growing. This was necessary because no male could go out without wearing a luxuriant beard and nationwide beard contests were very popular. The last one had been won by a man who had a beard that stretched from Peshawar to Kandhar and back but he was not able to get to a newspaper office because he couldn't see a thing. So the news remained confined to Pakistan. In any event, even Ripley's wouldn't have believed it. Blades having been banned by the middle of 2009, the resultant savings considerably boosted the nation's economy and was hailed by the TB as one of its most significant achievements. Such was the popularity of beard-displays that young males from the age of six months were adorned with false beards pasted on by adoring parents. Kids wore these till they were able to replace them with the real thing, which was no longer Coke's slogan. The Coca Cola company plants had been torched because a Qazi in Buner ruled that the drink was alcoholic so it really didn't matter to Coke one way or another. In sartorial matters since the Taliban were pretty groovy aping the latest fashions in six yarder harem pajamas often called 'shalwars' there were regular fashion shows with young and old male models strutting on the stage to the beat of right-handed drums. No other instruments were allowed to be played and in fact had been gathered and burnt long ago. Regular bathing was frowned upon. Special frowners had been trained whose job it was to arrive at any place where an objectionable activity might be taking place and frown till all fled. The venue would then be torched and the party would move on. Justice for all remained the cornerstone of the Taliban till someone discovered that the cornerstone had been stolen. Efforts to find it were all in vain. It had simply vanished. Justice was freely dispensed and special dispensing machines were installed at street corners. These were originally Nescafe dispensing units but nobody had drunk coffee since it had been banned because it contained alcohol. So freely was justice administered that there was a nationwide shortage of hanging posts and rope. These could no longer be made locally because there were no trees left. Gallows made from date palms broke easily and were seen to be detrimental to the national hanging average which showed a steady and promising upwards growth day after day. Since justice was now largely one sided there was no longer any need for defence councils. All such councils were gathered and drowned in the Tarbela Dam which was no longer functional because electricity was banned, oil lamps were the rage and because a leading cleric had said that the dam water contained alcohol. The happy brigade which had blown the Bamiyan Buddhas pleaded to blow up the sinful dam but were prevented from doing so. To vent their frustration, they blew up Karachi Harbour which was not such a loss since ships neither came nor went anymore. At the airports the scene was the same. PIA had been grounded – which was not a bad idea. Foreign airlines refused to land here. Those intending to go for pilgrimages to holy lands were asked to use camels. In terms of sports, things got a bit worse then they were at the start of the 21st century – sorry 15th century or was it 16th? Any way the Pakistan cricket team was unable to do very well because not only had they to contend with playing with one hand but the grounds were desert surface and that might have been good for camel polo but not conducive to cover drives. Eventually the Taliban banned all sports as being a waste of time. Only cock-fights were allowed which had a rousing effect on all and sundry. Dr Nasim Ashraf cooked up another scheme to popularize desert cricket but found that the only payments for his hard work would be provided in round earth stones for his personal use. This the doctor declined politely and slipped away in the still of the night to try his luck in Swaziland. By 2115, the world had quite forgotten that there was once a country called Pakistan. No one had been there, no one had come from there and by all accounts, no one lived there any more. Of course, this was facilitated by the fact that all the women were eventually killed off. In the end, all that was left was a bleak and windswept desert but even this was not confirmed since no one had seen it and returned to share the news. The writer is a Lahore-based columnist. Email: masoodhasan66@gmail.com |
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