Muslim Honor Killing in the West http://www.chowk.com/articles/13344 In my thirty years as a practicing psychotherapist in
www.greenzoneliving.ca
Besides his professional work, he has other diverse interests. He is a poet of Urdu and English verse and also delves in philosophical, spiritual and mystical issues.
Subject: FW: Psychology of Men's Honour and ... Date: 1/14/2008 6:14:45 P.M. Eastern Standard Time From: the_lambent_wit@comcast.net
Psychology of Men's Honour and Women's Sexuality
Khalid Sohail January 8, 2008
When I asked these Eastern men why, if they were so traditional and religious, they had chosen to move to the Western world, they said that they wanted their children to receive the best education and be successful. They did not realize that this education was not only limited to college and university degrees and that success was far more than getting a well paying job.
When I interviewed such traditional men in depth, I realized that they had unresolved issues about their sexuality and masculinity. They had a great sense of remorse and shame about their past. They felt guilty that as young men they had wanted to sleep with every woman they met but wanted to have a virgin wife. They had double standards and their unresolved conflicts surfaced when their daughters became teenagers. They believed that every boy their daughters met wanted to have sex with them and that their daughters were weak, vulnerable, naïve and gullible, requiring protection from these young men who were determined to seduce them. When I suggested that they get to know these young men and invite them home for dinner, they were reluctant to do so. Such men had no experience or concept of healthy relationships between boys and girls or men and women. Many of them had grown up in segregated communities and cultures where girls went to separate schools and men worked in separate environments. Other than their mothers, sisters and aunts they had had no significant interaction with other women. Some of their families of origin were so religious that they had not even been permitted to mingle with their female cousins. Thus, they could not believe that men and women could be platonic friends.
It was ironic that many of these men felt guilty about having visited prostitutes and conducted secret liaisons with women. Some of them suffered from a Madonna-whore complex, perceiving women either as pure and angelic or impure and sexual. They could not integrate friendship, sensuality and sexuality in the same relationship. They had no experience of knowing women as fellow human beings, but only as sex objects.
When such Eastern men came to the Western world they experienced a culture shock when they saw men and women holding hands and hugging and kissing publicly. They were offended when they saw sexuality discussed openly in newspapers, magazines and television programs. They tried their best to protect their wives and daughters from these immoral Western influences.
When I interviewed their wives in family therapy, I realized that such moralistic fathers were also controlling husbands. Their double standards were reflected in a number of ways. They worked themselves but did not want their wives to work or drive cars. They did not want them to attend colleges or universities. And when their wives exerted their independence, they tried to control them. They bought their wives cell phones not as gifts but to supervise their every move and screen every call. They forbade their wives to have lunch or dinner with a male colleague, as they did not believe their wives could have male friends. When I challenged their double standards they gave cultural and religious reasons to justify their controlling and abusive behaviour.
It is sad to see how many Eastern women have been enduring such injustice and abuse. When they were living in the East they had limited choices but living in the West they are becoming aware of their rights and are challenging their husbands. They are demanding to be treated with affection and love and when they do not feel respected they are leaving their abusive marriages. It is ironic that many of their friends and relatives, rather than being sympathetic to these women, blame them for not being obedient and submissive wives. It is not uncommon to see that when Eastern women achieve financial and emotional independence, their husbands start losing control and become abusive and violent.
When we analyze such men from a psychological point of view we realize that such men have been socially conditioned by their families, communities and cultures not to respect women. They have been taught that men are better and stronger than women, and that women do not deserve equal rights and privileges.
Many of these men's abusive behaviours also have social and economic dynamics. Many immigrant men from the East had upper middle class jobs as lawyers, engineers or doctors in their motherland. After arriving in the West, they realized that their degrees were no more valuable than the papers they were written on and they had to work as taxi drivers and security officers to pay the bills and look after their families. Such a drastic change in lifestyle bruised their pride and shattered their self-esteem. In their new life in the West, they had little social support, as most of their extended family and friends remained behind.
When I interviewed immigrant women I realized that they were caught between their children and their husbands. They shared with me that their overworked and overtired husbands displaced their frustration on their family members especially women. Some of those men tried to drown their sorrows in alcohol, got drunk and became abusive and violent. They realized they had made a big mistake in coming to the West but felt it was too late to go back as they had spent their life savings emigrating, and furthermore, returning to the East would also be seen as a failure.
Such conflicts in immigrant families start when the children are small but worsen when these children, especially girls, become teenagers. The cultural conflicts are more intense and potentially more violent in first generation immigrants. They reach a crisis as the immigrant teenagers try to live in two worlds in
For many traditional and religious men, seeing their teenage daughters dating and expressing their healthy sexuality in a free world is a final blow to their pride and ego. They have a flight or fight response. Either they want to pack up their bags and go back home, or they try harder to control their families. Most children do not want to go back to the East, as they have glimpsed a bright future in the West. The more these men try to control, the more they lose control and finally become abusive and violent.
I strongly feel that such men and their families need professional help to cope with these cultural conflicts and emotional and social problems before they reach a crisis and become violent. Such men need counseling to review their traditional attitudes and learn to become loving fathers and husbands. Their daughters and wives also need help to deal with family conflicts. They need to be educated that they do not have to accept and tolerate abuse and violence. They need information about women's shelters and the police so that they can get help before it is too late.
Family violence in immigrant families is a complex and complicated issue and needs a serious review. Alongside educating immigrant families to get professional help we also need to educate Canadian mental health workers and police officers to be aware of the cultural needs of these immigrant families where the extended family, rather than a nuclear family, is still a norm. We need more integrated communities rather than creating cultural ghettos where immigrants and mainstream people never mix.
In the 21st century,
As social consciousness increases, people are realizing that family violence is a universal phenomenon and that violence against women is not restricted to one community, religion or culture. I believe we need to focus on socioeconomic factors alongside the religious and cultural issues and build bridges of caring, compassion and peace while breaking down the walls of injustice, discrimination and violence. To create just and peaceful communities, immigrants and local people have to work together as we are all traveling in the same boat.
Note…Darvesh Films
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